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March 2011
     Customer Service

A travel agent looks up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent has had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window give him a rare feeling of generosity.

He calls them into his shop and says, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He takes them to his desk and asks his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

They, as can be expected, gladly accept, and are on their way.

About a month later the little lady comes in to his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asks eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she answers.

“I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzles me. Who is that old guy I had to share the room with?”


Israelis

All Israelis get a hard time.

I had an Israeli friend and, every time she came to visit us in the UK, at passport control, they’d go, “Occupation?” and she’d say, “No, just a holiday”.


Wedding Anniversary

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in New York City, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Malta for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!”

“Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I'm going back to Malta to pick her up.”


Great Truths

  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

  2. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

  3. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...

  4. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

  5. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy...


The Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch.

Then, suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the Floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SHIT!” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Claude was never invited back to entertain.


Funeral

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan... open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out... “Watch out for the wall!”


Wedding

Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them “brides of Christ”.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, “I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?”

One of the Jews replied, “We’re from the groom’s family.”

 

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