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January 2011
     Bedtime Story

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused.

"Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said,

"God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"


Veterinarian

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."


Waking Up

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"

The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."


Nails
Blonde Joke

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'


Growing Old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


The Three Kings

The 3 Kings from the East arrived at the crib to bring their presents to the baby in the crib that had been born a few days prior to their arrival, but one of them was a bit too tall and hit his head at the entrance to the crib and yelled angrily: "Jesus!"

And inside the crib Joseph says: "Mary, write that down, I like that much better than Bob!"


Airplane

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”

Martha always replied, “I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”

One year Bill and Martha go to the fair and Bill says, “Martha, I’m 81 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

Martha replies, “Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”

The pilot overhears them and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride.”

“If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s 10 dollars.”

Bill and Martha agree and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. After landing, the pilot turns to Bill and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Bill replies, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”


Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?", the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you."


Statistics

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends – if they're okay, then it's you.


An Idea

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.

Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.


Neighbor

My new neighbor knocked on my door and when I opened it she said: “I’m new in this town and I feel like having fun, getting drunk and screwing all night. Are you doing anything tonight?”

“NO , no nothing at all, “ I answered.

“In that case, will you look after my dog until tomorrow!


Get well soon

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'


Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


Morality

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well.. kiss your ass goodbye!


Birthday Wish

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

“I'd like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

“I meant my dress size, you ..... retard!!!!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


Naming

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”

“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”

“A fottle,” replies the inventor.

“A fottle? That’s stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”

“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.” “And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.

“A farton”, replies the inventor.

“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” says the inventor... “You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”


Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.


Committing Suicide

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she said.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she did and it was a looonnnnng, deep, wet, lingering kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous, why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me............dressing up like a girl......!"

 

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